Non-binary, autistic author

One pillar, two pillars, three pillars. They passed Catra by in a swirl and her footsteps hammered on the floor. Just a bit longer, she would make it.

She took a corner, almost hit a guard but swirled around and picked up speed again. 

She would make it, she’s almost out.

Footsteps on the ground, beating in her ears.

The air became chillier and she realized she was almost there. The doors stood open and she rushed through, out into the gardens. 

Her chest heaved and her ears rang from the sprint. She grinded to a halt, almost fell forward but caught herself and put her hands on her knees.

One breath, two breaths... Come on, you can calm down.

She forced herself to slow down, forced herself to breathe more regularly, and slowly the body started to respond.

You can do it, you can calm down. Let go.

She took a deep breath, filling the lungs with the cold, damp air, and pushed herself from the knees. She was ok, she was out.

It had been one of the worst weeks in her life, at least compared to what she had expected. She was meant to have peace now, calm, an actual life. Instead, it had gone more chaotic than ever and she had no idea what she felt half of the time. 

Adora had been by her side most of the week, but she didn’t know if she had wanted it or not. Sometimes she did, sometimes it just felt more chaotic.

Today’s party had just been the last of the series of events that had been. The whole queendom was there to celebrate the victory over the hordes.

She couldn’t stand it. Too many people, too much noise, too much chatter.

What was she doing here?

She had thought she would be happy now, finding peace here at Brightmoon. Instead, she had just escaped a party with thoughts that were all knotted. What a mess...

A sudden noise to her left made her step into the shades of the nearby bushes and she peered through a hole in the growth. She could see a red jacket and realized it was Adora.

Not now, not yet.

She tensed up, then let go. She could do this. She didn’t need to talk to her yet. Just stay and watch.

- Catra? Are you here?

The voice rang through the air and Catra retreated further into the bushes. 

Not yet, not now...

The footsteps drew closer and Catra could see them on the other side of the bush.

Damn her sixth sense.

- Catra, are you here?

It was pointless, she would find her anyway...

Catra stood up, untangled herself from the branches, and stepped out in the moonlight.

- I’m here.

- Catra! What are you doing here? Why aren’t you inside?

Catra stared at the ground in reply, not sure she wanted to talk even though she’d revealed herself.

- Stupid parties, she muttered in the end.

Adora’s restless feet betrayed her, shifting from side to side. She probably had her hands in her pockets, trying to hide her fidgeting. She always did that when she was nervous. 

Had it been a mistake to come to BrightMoon? 

Adora’s foot shifted in preparation for a step and Catra stepped back in response. She couldn’t do it...

- I don’t get it, what’s the point, she blurted out instead. Parties, extra food ration, free time, and we’re back on normal. Pointless..

She shot a glance at Adora. Unsettled eyes, just like she must have herself. Two strangers in a garden. Two people, not knowing how to behave with each other.

Chatting voices from afar reminded her that there was a different world out there, a place where people came alive, like flowers after a wildfire... She wasn’t one of them... Not a flower, not regenerating. Only an entangled mess of something she had hoped would be over.

Adora’s shifting feet warned her that she was about to make a move again. Catra imagined she’d taken her hands from the pockets and decided to take back the control.

She pulled back yet again. She couldn’t do it. Not now. She glanced up and was met by Adora’s extended hand. She retreated another step and Adora’s eyes shone with unreleased tears.

Damn it, why should everything be so difficult.

- I don’t want to be here, she muttered to the ground.

- Why not? What’s happened?

Adora’s voice was soft as silk, trying to ease the tension.

Catra could feel her eyes shine just like Adora’s, but she looked up nevertheless.

- Because I don’t belong here, she said.

The tears that had threatened to spill over started to fall down Adora’s cheeks. 

- Of course you belong here.

Not that voice, not that kindness. Not now. 

Catra fought to hold back her tears.

- No one in there wants me, ok? None of them believes that I’ve changed. And even if I have, so what? I can’t undo the past.

The dam inside Catra burst and all the buried feelings and unwanted thoughts spewed out and into the open. She couldn’t go back now. It was too late. 

She took relief in the ground again, but it was blurred and the leaf she knew laid by her feet didn’t take shape but stayed a different-coloured blob by her feet. 

- But I thought you wanted to be here?

The softness of Adora’s voice mixed with the cracking voice that came from tears falling. 

Why do I always have to hurt people?

- But I’m not sure anyone else wants me in there...

Catra dared to glance up for a moment, leaving the safety of the ground. She could see Adora’s glistering face in the weak moonlight. She must have the same face herself.

She disengaged from their gaze but before her eyes reached the leaf Adora stepped forward and this Catra didn’t have time to step back. Her hands were in Adora’s before she could react.

Surprised, she felt her shoulders relax and her breathing calm down. She looked up and met Adora’s gaze. She could see herself reflected in them. 

- Come, I’ll show you something.